Sexting Between New Friends
When speech-to-text goes horribly wrong for a blind girl.
What I said into my phone: I will pick the confetti from your hair like a monkey eating insects from a friend’s fur.
There was quite a long pause. Then this person with whom I was trying to establish a friendship came back with this text: I think your phone misinterpreted something.
Oh, great. What had I done this time? Since I am blind, I couldn’t look to figure out the error.
I listened.
It sounded fine.
My phone chimed again.
Her next text: I was going what?! I am laughing so hard now.
I was nonplussed. What? Of course she was laughing. The idea of me picking confetti from her hair like a monkey grooming her friend was funny. Why wouldn’t that be funny? I listened again. Yep, that was what I said. I didn’t get it. How was that weird?
To solve this puzzle, I was going to have to go word by word, letter by letter through my text to see what my friend was seeing. Ohmigosh! That would be so much work. Opting for laziness, I left my comfy chair in search of a sighted child to speed up the process. I found Drew in his room. I held out the phone.
Me: I made some kind of mistake. What did I say?
Drew took the phone and looked.
I waited.
He stayed silent.
I waited.
Silence.
Me: Ohmigosh! What did I do wrong?!
Drew: What do you old people do when you get together?”
Me: What do you mean? Monkeys groom other monkeys! It’s a form of bonding. I’m trying to form a friendship.
Drew: She is not going to get that from this text.
Me: Crap. What does the phone think I said?
Here’s what speech-to-text heard and what I sent to my new friend:
I will pick the confetti from your hair like a monkey eating in sex from a friend’s fur.
I stood in Drew’s room, speechless and horrified.
Drew looked at me curiously.
Drew: I hope I never get this old. Your bonding rituals are weird.
Me: That is NOT what I meant to say! It is supposed to say insects! Insects!
Drew: Do you want me to tell her that?
Me: Yes! And say I’m so sorry!
Drew, typing: Now that was incense, right?
Me: What?! No! Insects! Bugs and spiders and creepy crawly little things!
Drew: Got it. Incest.
Me: No! What?! Don’t make this worse! Give me my phone. I’ll do it.
Drew: You know I now need therapy because of that text, right?
