What’s a Little Blood Among Friends?
The beginning and the end of my fight club
Author’s Note 1: The names of the guilty have been changed so they won’t be fired. You’ll understand in a minute.
When Noel and I pick up pizza while I’m bored
Me: Hello, boys!
Sausage: Hi, Mom.
Pepperoni: Dude! This is your mom?
Sausage: No, dummy, it’s Drew’s mom. No worries, she’s cool.
Pepperoni: Um, okay. How can I help you, Drew’s mom? Ordering or picking up?
Me: I’ll let you guess.
Noel: We’re picking up.
Me: You’re ruining my fun, daughter.
Pepperoni: What name is it under?
Me: Why don’t you tell me the orders you have and I will confirm which one I am. I’ve forgotten my order.
Noel: It’s Heather.
Sausage: Mom! Quit giving my employees such a hard time. They’re going to need therapy more than they already do.
Me: That is not the first time I have been accused of sending people to therapy! Surprised?
Sausage and Noel: No.
Me: Ah, well, I have to make your employees earn their tips.
Pepperoni: Really, are you going to tip? Because I already ran your card.
Me: No worries! I’m tipping in cash. I have it here somewhere.
Pepperoni: That’s really nice of you, Drew’s mom. I’ll take it.
Me: Heck, no! Here, Sausage!
Sausage: Wow! For me? Thanks, Mom.
Me: You’re welcome. Decide if you want to share or not.
Sausage: I’ll consider it.
Pepperoni: Dude!
Me: I have more money. If the two of you will fight in the parking lot and let me watch, I’ll throw money at you.
Noel: You can’t see.
Me: My daughter will audio describe for me!
Noel: Come on, Mom. Time to go. They have work to do.
Me: Really? Because it sounds pretty slow in here.
When Noel and I get in the car with the pizza and I think about what I just proposed
Me: I’m in trouble.
Noel: Why?
Me: Every time I come here without Drew, he gets a call.
Noel: That’s not a thing.
Me: They’re big tattle tales.
Noel: You are talking about grown men.
Me: They are BARELY adults.
When Noel and I arrive home with the pizza and I decide to stick up for my fight club
Noel: Weird, Drew’s sitting on the back step.
Me: Lemme outta the car.
Drew: Mom….
Me: What did they say?
Drew: They wanted to know if you were serious about throwing money at them while they brawled in the parking lot.
Noel: Holy crap. They did call.
Me: What did you tell them?
Drew: I said that they should never listen to anything you say, but, yes, if you offered to throw money at them while they fought each other, you would follow through and throw money.
Me: That’s my boy!
Drew: They want you to come back.
Noel: You’re going to get them fired.
Drew: And Sausage may be the boss, but Pepperoni’s biceps are the size of Sausage’s head. It wouldn’t be a fair fight.
Me: I wonder if Sausage is good at weaving and ducking?
Noel: I thought the first rule was you don’t talk about fight club. You two aren’t serious, are you? Sometimes I can’t tell.
Me: What’s a little blood among friends? Who’s going to drive me back?
Noel and Drew: Not it!
Author’s Note 2: This conversation was purely in fun. No fight club became of this. Well, not one I ever ran.
